Over the years, I have had a lot of time to think about the difficulties I had coping with social situations as a child. I often wonder if my adult life would be different had I learned earlier that I had Asperger’s and learned how to set myself up to succeed socially. It is one of those questions on which it is better not to dwell. I can, however, use my voice to share with others my past experiences. It is my hope that, through sharing, my voice may shed light on some unknowns for a parent of an autistic child or may be read by an autistic and they may find “sameness” in my post.
In the 21st Century, we use the word autism to describe the behaviors I was exhibiting the time I was growing up. Although I did not have an autism diagnosis, I had differences, and my parents were aware of them. My parents were parenting an Asperger’s child, whether they knew it or not. With the ability of hindsight, it is clear to me at which points different choices on the part of my parents may have led to better outcomes.
This is not about blame. My parents were in uncharted waters. They wanted the best for me and did the things they thought would bring that about. They brought me to doctors and either did not find out what made me different or could not accept what they heard. There are, however, some things that I wish they would have known. I would like to share them with you.
1. Keeping a Child With Social Difficulties Away from Others Will Not Help Them
The first instinct every parent has is to protect their child. With autistic children, too often, it is the world itself (outside of their homes, at least) that causes us discomfort. As much as many autistics wish we did not have to deal with the world ever, the truth is that we must. I believe that the trick to parenting an autistic child is to find a balance where the child can cherish who they are and learn to interact with those in the outside world.
Isolating children from the world may keep other people from hurting their feelings (for now) but it builds no people skills for the future. Youth is the time for learning social skills as social faux pas are more likely to be forgiven during this age. In terms of social skills, Aspies may be behind other kids, but not as far behind as if they were sheltered and arrived at adulthood without the social skills necessary to be successful. I wish my parents had known that they were not doing me any favors by keeping me inside the house and vilifying the other children to me. I wish they had worked with me, done play dates with people who understood my differences, and who were willing to be patient. Life would have been less stressful as an adult when I was “released” onto the world and had no idea how to behave.
2. When Parenting an Asperger’s Child, Understand That Different Is Not Bad
It is no secret that Aspies are different from other people. Many of us report having grown up feeling as though we are from a different planet. I describe fitting into the world as “feeling like a right foot in a left shoe”, hence the name of this blog. Although different is not inherently bad, children do not know that. I believe that it is the job of parents to see those differences and point them out as positives. Autistic children have so many positives that are unique to them.
Science tells us that the brains of autistic people are different from those of people who do not have autism 1https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/autism-brains-show-widespread-alterations-structure/. These neurological differences are what accounts for the differences in the way autistic children behave. If that is true regarding the negative, however, it is also true regarding the positive, but what parents all too often fail to impart.
Asperger’s brains are wired differently from non-Asperger brains. Certain traits and behaviors, although not true to every person with Asperger’s, are widely attributed to the community as a whole. For example, people with Asperger’s pay attention to details that other people often miss. Aspergians are known as people who stand up for what we believe to be right, even in the face of intense social pressure. We are known to be trustworthy, nonjudgmental, intelligent, and honest. These are all traits that many people strive for.
No Shame in the Asperger’s Game: Instilling Pride
Although it is true that Aspies are “different” and have trouble with social interactions, it is also true that, if given the choice, most of us would not give up our Asperger’s. This is because, as well as presenting social challenges, Asperger’s gives us positives that are unparalleled. Unfortunately, it is often up to us to discover this on our own.
It is essential that children be proud of who they are, just exactly as they are. I have heard tell that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. I would assume there are no exceptions here. Children are not menu items. We cannot fill out a request and receive a child who wants to wear the clothes we dream of them wearing and have the love for and ability to play the sport we want them to play. When blessed with a child, learning what that child wants to wear, what sport they want to play, is incumbent upon us. It is perfectly acceptable to dream about what our children will do or who they will be. It is not, however, acceptable to impose our dreams upon our children at the expense of their self-worth.
3. When Parenting an Asperger’s Child, Realize that Your Child Hears You and Draws Conclusions
As a parent, it is easy to feel like our children are not listening to us. This can be especially true with autistic children, who may not seem to be tuned in all of the time. Fear and confusion can lead us to confide in other adults on the spur of the moment. Coupled with not believing your child is listening, this can be a disastrous combination.
When I was around 4 years old, I went to a lot of specialists. I had no basis for comparison and did not know other children weren’t doing the same thing. Thus, the doctor’s visits did not concern me. I was happy and had no idea that I was not like other children. Until… Until, that is, I would overhear my parents talking about what was “wrong with me”. “Maybe we feed her too many TV dinners. Those have a lot of preservatives in them. Maybe that’s what’s wrong“. “I am not sending her skating with those people, they will only make fun of her“. “We’re bringing her to another doctor Friday, maybe he can figure it out“.
When we would visit relatives, my relatives would say things to my parents like, “Omg! What are you talking about? There is nothing wrong with her! All kids do that! You’re making such a big deal over nothing.” Certain things were clear to me. There was something wrong with me. I was different from the other children. Not only was there something wrong with me, no one knew how to fix me.
The Importance of Purposeful Speech when parenting an Asperger’s child
My parents did the right thing. They noticed something was different and they went searching for answers; however, it is important to recognize how much stock children put into the opinions of their parents. Young children have no other point of reference. Parents are the buoy in the water that keeps the child afloat. Because children can hear through walls, the problem was as much the words my parents used, as the sentiment behind them. As parents to any child, we must watch what we say, not just where we say it. It not only benefits the child to hear things in the positive but framing things in the most positive light positively benefits everyone.
| Instead of This | Try This |
| “Maybe we feed her too many TV dinners. Those have a lot of preservatives in them. Maybe that’s what’s wrong,” | “I would like to start cooking fresh meals. The preservatives in the TV dinners concern me”. |
| “I am not sending her skating with those people, they will only make fun of her.” | “I have some concerns about the skating trip next week. Maybe we can invite the Smiths to do something the week after next when we’re all able to attend.” |
| “We’re bringing her to another doctor Friday, maybe he can figure it out.” | “We have a doctor’s visit Friday. I’m looking forward to hearing his opinion.” |
Purposeful speech is the enemy of no one.
4. Seeing the World from the Autistic’s Perspective When Parenting an Asperger’s Child
Kaycie Armstrong professionally helps new parents prepare for their babies in the Southeast Michigan area2https://www.metroparent.com/daily/pregnancy-baby/newborn-care/when-baby-starts-crawling/. She advises new parents to crawl through their home and look for hidden dangers the child could encounter while crawling. Perusing the house on their hands and knees allows the parent to see things from the child’s perspective. This is sage advice. It is also sage advice when parenting a child with Asperger’s.
I believe it is important for everyone to see things from the perspective of those in our lives. Most autistics can tell you the ineffectiveness of standing in a room with a neurotypical and telling them, “It’s so loud in here”. Undoubtedly, the response will be, “No it’s not”! This is because so much of Asperger’s comes down to perception. I don’t think it is a matter of the neurotypical not wanting to understand. I think the concept of the room you are comfortably standing in being deafeningly loud to someone else just sounds ridiculous. The question then becomes, how best to impart the information. I have found situational comparisons to be quite helpful.
Situational Comparisons as Communication Tools
Call me a dreamer, but I do not believe the experiences of autistics and neurotypicals are so far apart. They are simply not in context for the neurotypical and need to be related as such. Comparisons are wonderful vehicles for this. Let’s take the example from the above paragraph. I might try to relate the feeling at the party to something everyone has experienced. “It feels like when someone has awakened you in the middle of the night. The lights seem brighter and the sound seems louder than it should. Your heart is kind of going faster but the environment doesn’t give you that second to gather yourself.” Autism/Asperger’s is on a spectrum though, and not everyone on the spectrum perceives the situation the way I do or verbalize as I just did.
Parenting an Asperger’s child comes with many differences, and communication is at the top of that list. It is not important that the autistic person be able to relate the experience to the parent in the same way that I did above. It is just important that the parent understands that the child is having a sensory experience. Once that has happened, there can be some conversations to clear things up or just tweaking of routine, to see if there is an improvement. We have all had sensory experiences. We don’t, however, have them every day.
Small Changes Can Make a Big Difference
When I moved out and started my adult life, I became so much happier as a result of a few small changes I made. I did not play the television all the time, only when I was watching it. Background noise bothers me. I have a hard time hearing others over the volume. Another change actually happened on its own. The home I grew up in was very affectionate and touchy. Lots of hugs and hands on your arm as people spoke. As it was the culture of the family, it was not something I could change. Since it was a problem specific to my family environment, moving out did the trick.
Many people have dreamed for years of the children they will have. Often, along with the child’s name having been chosen, the parents have also decided what style of clothing the child will wear, what sports they will play, or may have already purchased them a musical instrument. When a child arrives and is interested in none of those things and the expectation is there, the child can feel the disappointment in their parents when they do not fulfill those dreams for their parent. No one should be anchored to another person’s dreams.
Every child is a blessing, although we have to be in the correct frame of mind to see that blessing for what it is. We must back out of ourselves, put our expectations aside, and look at the equation from the point of view of the child we have been given.
