What is the Importance of an Asperger’s Diagnosis
Why is it that some “high-functioning” autistic people insist on getting a diagnosis while their friends and family may not understand the importance of an Asperger’s diagnosis. “There’s nothing that can be done about Asperger’s,” they say. “Why would you want a diagnosis like that anyway?” It is a fair question. The short answer is, many Aspergians have never felt like we fit in anywhere. We feel like we are from a different planet or, like me, some people feel like they are a right foot stuck in the left shoe of society. If you do not identify with the people around you, the references you see on TV, the children you go to school with, there can be hope in learning that you have a tribe.
When I was growing up, there was no name for what I have, at least not to the degree that I have it. “Autistic, atypical, and withdrawn behavior” was listed in the DSM II (published in 1968) but was associated with the presentation of schizophrenia in childhood. I was intelligent and verbal but not as “socially savvy” as the other children. I also never did as well in school as anyone thought I should, and although I was always told that I was “not applying” myself, I never understood how to translate those words into an action plan for better grades. It might have been classified as hyperactivity were it not for the extreme social deficits.
If a child today presented with the behaviors I had at that time, they would most certainly receive a referral for autism screening. I struggled with fitting in with other children and making friends. This continued through high school and into the workplace. I was warm, friendly, and completely blind to social cues.
Learning the Importance of an Asperger’s Diagnosis
I received my autism diagnosis in my fifties and did not suspect autism/Asperger’s until my forties. I had always known I was different from others, but never knew why. Realizing the reason for that difference gave me something concrete, something to hold on to. Now I had an identity. I was no longer “that weird girl,” I was “that autistic girl.”
I know what you’re thinking, “I’d rather be weird than be on the spectrum”. Maybe, but I was on the spectrum. It was just a fact. I had spent my entire life trying to fit in. I would get up every morning and say to myself, “Please don’t ‘mess up’ today”. That’s what I called it, “messing up”. I had done nothing wrong, but my wiring was different. My goals in conversation were different. The things I thought were funny were not funny to those around me. I said things I thought were benign and people perceived them as rude. People would get mad at me and stop talking to me and I had no idea why. I was not like everyone else.
Each day I woke up hopeful though. I would do things differently today. I wouldn’t talk as much, wouldn’t seem so different. Today I would apply the lessons I learned yesterday to the lessons from all the other days and things would be easier. I would finally be able to go through life without being outcast. I would not upset people anymore. They would not push me away and I would be a part of the group now. People are forgiving, I told myself. I would explain to them why I had made so many mistakes before, and we would all go to lunch. When I learned I was autistic, I knew why I was different.
Understanding WHY I Was Different
I spent a lot of time reading articles and research about autism after realizing I was autistic. It became clear why I had always been so different. Many autistics love to learn new information almost constantly. I have a very open and friendly personality. This, we are learning, is a trait common to many females on the spectrum. I loved to talk to people and, as with anyone, I spoke about things that interested me. The difference, though, was my failure to consider that my love of something did not mean that other people did as well. Clearly understanding that others possess a set of thoughts and beliefs different from one’s self is called theory of mind. Many autistic people lack theory of mind.
Autistic people are straight-forward. Many of us say things bluntly. People interpreted this as rudeness. I asked a lot of questions. Some of this was because autistics love to learn, and some of it was because I had trouble hearing. I had no problem with volume, but things sounded mumbled, and I couldn’t make out words. Later, I found out this was because autism can go hand in hand with sensory processing disorder. Learning about face blindness in autism shone a light on my persistent difficulty in a hard time recognizing people. I would introduce myself to people I had met before. I would pass by people I knew. This caused people to think I was being rude.
Embracing the Importance of an Asperger’s Diagnosis
Learning these things helped me in so many ways. I now understood what had caused so many problems and I could adjust myself accordingly. But, make no mistake, that is what I was doing; I was adjusting myself. I came to realize that autism is not something I have; it is who I am. I think autistically; I walk autistically; I hear autistically. I’m autistic. I just am.
I found an online community of people with Asperger’s and I felt like I belonged; however, technically I did not. Because I did not have a diagnosis, I felt as though I had no identity. I did not belong anywhere; I was not neurotypical and I was not autistic.
The time between realizing on my own that I more than likely had Asperger’s and when I sought a diagnosis was around four years. I put a lot of thought into whether or not I should actually receive the diagnosis. It would serve no medical purpose. There was no therapy I needed that required the diagnosis. I was not seeking to apply for disability.
It wanted to find out whether I really had Asperger’s because knowing that there was a reason for my differences would essentially make me “not an outsider”. A diagnosis would confirm that I did not belong with typical people but it would also mean that there was, indeed, somewhere that I did belong. I would no longer “not fit in,” I would fit in with a different group. There would be explanations for the behaviors I exhibited.
Diagnosis
I received my offical diagnosis in September of 2019. Below is a screenshot of my post the night of my diagnosis to the online Asperger’s community I was a part of.
Confirming the Importance of an Asperger’s Diagnosis
The time since the diagnosis has been tough. Unlike the time before my diagnosis though much of the time has been rewarding. I feel like I am working toward something and I see progress weekly. Although I do not have a goal of being like everyone else, fitting in with my classmates and colleagues is important. Even on days when I feel especially different, I do not regret having received my diagnosis. The diagnosis has helped me to understand who I am. Through understanding how neurotypical people work, I am able to understand social faux pas when I make them and easily correct them.
Receiving an Asperger’s diagnosis has allowed me to do less masking 1https://www.tiimoapp.com/blog/art-of-masking-women-with-autism/. For me, masking was when I did not understand why neurotypicals were acting a certain way and I would mimic a behavior blindly. It never worked out well for me. Now that there is no doubt that I have Asperger’s, I am able to recognize social situations for what they are. I understand the differences between Aspies and Neurotypicals and I can recognize most potential problems before they ever happen. It has also allowed me to be myself more of the time because I know that a fake persona of smiling and being perky or blurting out the answer is not what is required.
There is new hope for me. I do not worry about social situations as much. I enjoy the company of others more and as I look back over my post from my diagnosis, I am happy to report that I am having much better luck with neurotypicals. 🙂
